I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
