no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
