who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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