Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
