Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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