Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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