Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize