Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
