I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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