mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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