all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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