Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
