Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
