Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
