One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
