I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
