Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
