so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
