tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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