In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
