He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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