his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
