My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This house was built for laser tag.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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