Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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