Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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