sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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