Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize