The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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