why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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