i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
