My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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