Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
