apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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