when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
