I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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