i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize