I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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