Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
