So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize