Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
