It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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