i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
