Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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