I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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