He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
