wrigley field is MILF paradise
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
