there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
