A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
