Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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