Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
