Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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