I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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