So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
