She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
