I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
