My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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