woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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