First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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